For me, forgiveness and regret were two unified entities, which were knotted together and wrapped around my throat. There was no separation between the two, and in my world, forgiveness and regret co-existed in each thread of my noose. There was no way of understanding why I accepted past distress, knowing that my future would never let me forget. There was no way of recognizing the intensity of pain I caused and the solution to ease the symptoms of those I love. As the years of life progressed, and as the rope grew tighter around my neck, I felt myself losing consciousness. I felt the smothering burn of forgiveness and regret scrape into my skin. And just as my confusion between emotions started to hang me, I woke out of oblivion and cut the rope. The pieces of thread, though, are still embedded into my throat.
Over the years, the line that separates regret from forgiveness has been merged because of my own clouded emotions and judgments. I stood back, countless times, and allowed hurt to penetrate through my core. And I had no clue how to purge the pain. I didn’t know how to dig inside, past all of the sorrow, and learn how to forgive those who inflicted hurt. Because I had no idea how to properly heal, I took every awful emotion I felt and pushed it into the arms of those who had never harmed me. My loved ones, who had always supported me, now became victims of my broken spirit. I regretted all of the pain I caused, yet I didn’t understand how to forgive myself; and I still didn’t know how to forgive my own assailants. Thus, the two entities became a poison that I kept swallowing.
When I decided to finally cut the rope I saw the closing of my life folding before me. An overwhelming fright consumed me, and as the last moments of breathing wrapped itself around my throat. I ended this self-sabotaging pity. I dropped from the noose onto the floor, in a pile of grief. This is where I have been recovering ever since. With the broken rope lying on the ground besides me, I am slowly starting to rise. I am slowly started to separate the two elements that contributed to my possible demise.
I have learned that forgiveness is bravely opening your chest and not closing it until positivity enters. Regret is splitting it open, only to quickly and sloppily re-stitch it back together out of fear. Forgiveness is coughing up the pain. Regret is suppressing the pain while it’s lodged in your throat. And forgiveness is learning to re-start your life after you felt it drifting away. Regret is waiting for the noose to finally snap your neck into oblivion.
When recent events threatened to completely break my presence in the world, I realized that allowing myself to fall into coma was no longer acceptable. I have finally, after so many years of letting unruly and conflicting emotions dictate my life, awoken. It took a lot. Yet, I am finally able to understand that forgiveness is a goal to strive for and regret is emotion that should be left in my wrecked past. As I touch the rug-burn on my neck, and look at the dismantled rope beside my feet, I am grateful for the ability to finally decipher emotions. I know that my journey is still in the beginning stages, but it feels good to be no longer held back by myself.
My opinions are shaped by my experiences. Has my opinion shaped yours?
~Amity Nathaniel