“See I Know We Not Official (No), But Us Being Official Ain’t Never Been An Issue (No), It Came Down To Us, Boy Remember We Were Different, We Said That We’d Talk, If We Ever Had Problems About Anything, I Was Cool With No Commitment (Wait), Let Me Take That Back, It Was You, So I Was With It (See), Guess I Didn’t Get, When You Showed You Didn’t Miss It, Now It Seems That Your Interest Ain’t Here, And We Ain’t The Same.” –Is she the Reason by Destiny’s Child
“I can’t wait until I have some time off, so I can spend the day with the husband,” states a high pitched 16-year-old student of mine. She’s spending time with her husband? Of course, the intelligence that flows through my being knows that she isn’t legally married. It’s simply a term of endearment, a reference of sorts to an immature young man, whom chances are she is having an intimate relationship with. He probably buys her water ice, some Applebee’s and a promise ring. And she, she bowing gracefully to his presence, getting his name tattooed on her left breast or wrist, and fights girls in the street for what is rightfully ‘hers’.
As I listen to her plans over an upcoming long weekend, I couldn’t help but wonder where she received the notion that calling this young man anything other than her boyfriend was ok? Maybe it was from her mother’s random boyfriends that were allowed to spend the night, but then again she referred to them as ‘uncles’ or ‘Moms friends’. Or maybe it was the Housewives or Basketball Wives who aren’t all really wives. They’re mere high priced trophies, divorcees, or baby mom’s (wait, let me try to be politically correct: the mother of these men’s children) who are getting paid millions to adapt a title, look a fool on television and further perpetuate the stereotype that having an emotional commitment is all that is needed for true happiness and security. A misconception sold to many of our young and adult women; a misconception that these women are buying with no chance of a refund.
How changing the tide been throughout the decades. In the earlier part of the twentieth century, young women/teenagers were getting married with the primary focus of being housewives and starting a family. Living together before one was married was a worldwide sin and no one actually thought of allowing their boyfriend to spend the night in their mother’s homes. Yet, the years have passed and men were no longer proposing. Sexual liberty was promoted as an experimental lifestyle and women’s rights; women’s freedom was at the forefront of feminist civil emancipation. Now, as the years have advanced marriage is merely a piece of paper that carries no weight as all that is needed is “true love and commitment.” Women have settled in a fog of “I ain’t going anywhere,” promises and vows to “always be here for the kids”. Women have bought into pledges of devotion with no form of substantial reimbursement except for an occasional goodnight and beautiful babies.
Women, we, have lived for years in relationships, yet are not true owners of equal power within these unions. Somehow it is okay if the man makes all of the financial decisions, puts the house in his name, registers the cars, and builds his credit. Yet, the only thing he truly shares with his woman is a bank account, a bed, and a baby? And this is accepted. Accepted because most of the times they are in love with this person in addition to being in love with the feeling of being in love. So they settle for living with a man for many years, raising a family together. But it is okay because after the seventh year they can declare common law and what was once seen as a decade’s old ultimate sin and illegitimate children will now be viewed by all as a structured family. Or will they?
Common law marriage is nothing like our mothers and grandmothers have explained to us. There is no majestic seven year rule that will allow you the legal right to make decisions in behalf of your partner without legally being bound. In fact, only 16 states in the continental United States recognize this law. Additionally, according to one website (unmarried.org) within the bounds of this law if you “hold yourself out to be married” (which includes telling your community that you are married, referring to each other as husband and wife, using the same last name and even filing joint tax returns) you have a general common law marriage. But, each state has specific requirements. In these general terms, you would have every right a married couple does without actually having a marriage license. Legally, common law married couples (only the ones that follow the states requirements) are bound to the same laws a married couples. However, if you were to live in a state that doesn’t recognize common law marriage (i.e- New York, California, Texas, Florida, etc.) there is no way that their relationship is recognized as such before the state.
I know-I know you’re probably thinking “who is anyone to tell me that my family isn’t a family unless a piece of paper says so?” “Ain’t nobody even thinking about marriage.” (Said with the voice I know we all have in our heads). True, family is created in various forms, this is understood and accepted. Yet, being a ‘play cousin’ will not get you next-of-kin rights, neither will being a ‘brother from another’ truly provide you with an inheritance. Yet, a marriage license, that simple piece of paper carries generational weight. Not only is there estate planning benefits, there’s also governmental benefits such as social security and disability funds. There are also death benefits like consenting to after death examinations and procedures. In addition, there are other legal protections like suing a third party for wrongful death of a spouse, claiming the marital communication privilege which protects one from a courts pressure of disclosing confidential communications, receiving crime victims recovery benefits, obtaining immigration, and even obtaining visiting rights in jails or other places in which visitors are solely restricted to immediate family members.
Of course, all of these situations probably read extreme and no one really thinks that far in advance when love carries them daily. However, which the production of families, futures must be pondered of and the truth is there is something securing about being able to make medical decisions in behalf of the person you love. It is also less strenuous to have to prove the ownership of each item in a home with the dissolution of a relationship and it is kind of cool (minus the whole ‘woman’s liberation’/ ‘I stand alone’ thought process) for everyone to have the same last name.
Marriage, like the birth of a child bonds people to a commitment that cannot be undone with a simple change of heart. Marriage (regardless of spiritual and religious beliefs) promotes equal influence within a relationship. There are matchless benefits, ones almost as explosive as single to child bearing tax reimbursements (If you have ever filed your taxes single and then with a child you know the difference).
Thus as I continue to listen to the plans of this 16 year old I clearly understand that although sexually active, I know that she probably won’t understand what estate planning is, has never heard of a marital communication privilege, and simply equates a common law marriage to “shackin’ up”. She’s never learned anything differently. I’ve concluded in my head to offer the gift of awareness. But, I’ll spoon feed her. “You know this weekend. You have to make sure you are careful. Think of something to do that won’t necessary lead to sex. Maybe instead of going to his house you can take a walk in Center City. Really talk to him, you might see some things you like or not.” She looked at me and smiled; the first gift of understanding from me to her.